Well hello there, stranger. After encountering vicious rumours that I had disappeared and run off with the Colombian State Circus in a swap deal which saw my students being taught by yet another clown with a painted-on smile, I thought it best to allay all of your fears and rustle up another literary feast.
My laptop, much like Disco, is dead. Therefore, the prospect of having to write my blog outside of my comfort zone (i.e. surrounded by the proles in one of their internet "cafes" instead of sat in my bed in a pair of two-day old pants surrounded by rotting avocado skins and used condom wrappers) has been one of the main reasons behind this protracted period of absence.....
Ok then, New York........
Ice-Skating in Central Park
Catching a show on Broadway
Going up the Empire State Building
Doing the Sex-and-the-City tour
Getting mugged
The purists among you will be contented to know that I didn't partake in any of the above "must do" activities. I did, however, frequent a multitude of bars, a handful of art musuems, a sprinkling of night-clubs, one hot-dog stand and possibly the worst stand-up comedy night I've been subjected to. To be honest, I've been back for well over a month now so my memory is pretty hazy. Although, I would struggle to forget hearing the following question on an American T.V. show:
"If you were standing outside the Kremlin selling bootleg jeans, which country would you be in?"
Reassuring to see that Corporate America seeks to give us ojective accounts of life outside the 'burbs.
The highlights of my stateside sojourn included watching some Blues band in a Harlem Jazz Club (next to a load of white people who could afford the cover charge), scratching my giant pretzel itch, eating pizza across from the World Trade Centre site (a.k.a. a big hole), inventing "wall and sofa" dancing, standing outside the Ghostbusters hotel, running away from the Ghostbusters library, watching the sun go down while walking over Brooklyn Bridge, getting some awful comedian to believe I'm Charlie Watts' son........basically, I didn't do anything of note and took advantage of the daily 3pm - 8pm happy hours by getting drunk every day.
When I was told to get to Times Square early for New Year, I didn't realise that arriving at about 4.17pm (not long after afternoon nap time) would result in being approximately 8 hours late. So, with a rucksack full of wine, vanilla vodka and coke and cheap champagne (it was a screw top) I returned to the heady days of my youth and got rightly shitfaced in the park, Central Park (said in poor Connery accent). Parkscapades lasted for around 90 minutes, after which only the bargain champers was left standing. Next stop was to dine adjacent to a group of rotund New York Cops chowing down on mountains of pizza (another box ticked on the itenary) before heading off to a club to "freestyle" dance the night away.
Just to wrap up, here's a few Big Apple Do's and Don't:
DON'T: Think it will be fun to spend two weeks there with an ex-girlfriend that you have not seen more than twice in 5 years. You will realise that you are dead inside and are not "easy-going", hence you will need to start drinking every day at approximately 2pm.
Think that's about it.
Back to normal life then, here's a quick summary of the major events in the last 3 months:
I went to see Colombia beat Argentina (and Venezuala a few days before, but that was shit - the highlights being a foul throw and nearly regurgitating a hot-dog).
I've jumped ship and found myself a smaller but shinier school that pays more money and has more holidays, which consequently means I'm here in Bogotá for another 2 years (well, unless I decide to break contract again). As a result I'm off to Houston, Tx. for some well needed teacher training in March because I'm going to be teaching some "proper" maths next year. Which will be a change from having to listen to "I don't care how many fucking apples Johnny has" every day.
I've started taking salsa lessons - after giving up prostitutes for lent, I had to think of another way to pay 5 pounds a week to humiliate and degrade myself.
I've bought a guitar in the vain hope that I will discover have talents outside of solving simultaneous equations, having one side of my body being hairier than the other (I can hear the circus calling again) and being able to make a variety of beef mince, tomato, garlic and onion dishes.
Well, until next time......
"If you were standing outside the Kremlin selling bootleg jeans, which country would you be in?"
Reassuring to see that Corporate America seeks to give us ojective accounts of life outside the 'burbs.
The highlights of my stateside sojourn included watching some Blues band in a Harlem Jazz Club (next to a load of white people who could afford the cover charge), scratching my giant pretzel itch, eating pizza across from the World Trade Centre site (a.k.a. a big hole), inventing "wall and sofa" dancing, standing outside the Ghostbusters hotel, running away from the Ghostbusters library, watching the sun go down while walking over Brooklyn Bridge, getting some awful comedian to believe I'm Charlie Watts' son........basically, I didn't do anything of note and took advantage of the daily 3pm - 8pm happy hours by getting drunk every day.
When I was told to get to Times Square early for New Year, I didn't realise that arriving at about 4.17pm (not long after afternoon nap time) would result in being approximately 8 hours late. So, with a rucksack full of wine, vanilla vodka and coke and cheap champagne (it was a screw top) I returned to the heady days of my youth and got rightly shitfaced in the park, Central Park (said in poor Connery accent). Parkscapades lasted for around 90 minutes, after which only the bargain champers was left standing. Next stop was to dine adjacent to a group of rotund New York Cops chowing down on mountains of pizza (another box ticked on the itenary) before heading off to a club to "freestyle" dance the night away.
Just to wrap up, here's a few Big Apple Do's and Don't:
DON'T: Think it will be fun to spend two weeks there with an ex-girlfriend that you have not seen more than twice in 5 years. You will realise that you are dead inside and are not "easy-going", hence you will need to start drinking every day at approximately 2pm.
Think that's about it.
Back to normal life then, here's a quick summary of the major events in the last 3 months:
I went to see Colombia beat Argentina (and Venezuala a few days before, but that was shit - the highlights being a foul throw and nearly regurgitating a hot-dog).
I've jumped ship and found myself a smaller but shinier school that pays more money and has more holidays, which consequently means I'm here in Bogotá for another 2 years (well, unless I decide to break contract again). As a result I'm off to Houston, Tx. for some well needed teacher training in March because I'm going to be teaching some "proper" maths next year. Which will be a change from having to listen to "I don't care how many fucking apples Johnny has" every day.
I've started taking salsa lessons - after giving up prostitutes for lent, I had to think of another way to pay 5 pounds a week to humiliate and degrade myself.
I've bought a guitar in the vain hope that I will discover have talents outside of solving simultaneous equations, having one side of my body being hairier than the other (I can hear the circus calling again) and being able to make a variety of beef mince, tomato, garlic and onion dishes.
Well, until next time......
