Well hello there, stranger. After encountering vicious rumours that I had disappeared and run off with the Colombian State Circus in a swap deal which saw my students being taught by yet another clown with a painted-on smile, I thought it best to allay all of your fears and rustle up another literary feast.

My laptop, much like Disco, is dead. Therefore, the prospect of having to write my blog outside of my comfort zone (i.e. surrounded by the proles in one of their internet "cafes" instead of sat in my bed in a pair of two-day old pants surrounded by rotting avocado skins and used condom wrappers) has been one of the main reasons behind this protracted period of absence.....

Ok then, New York........

Ice-Skating in Central Park

Catching a show on Broadway

Going up the Empire State Building

Doing the Sex-and-the-City tour

Getting mugged

The purists among you will be contented to know that I didn't partake in any of the above "must do" activities. I did, however, frequent a multitude of bars, a handful of art musuems, a sprinkling of night-clubs, one hot-dog stand and possibly the worst stand-up comedy night I've been subjected to. To be honest, I've been back for well over a month now so my memory is pretty hazy. Although, I would struggle to forget hearing the following question on an American T.V. show:

"If you were standing outside the Kremlin selling bootleg jeans, which country would you be in?"

Reassuring to see that Corporate America seeks to give us ojective accounts of life outside the 'burbs.

The highlights of my stateside sojourn included watching some Blues band in a Harlem Jazz Club (next to a load of white people who could afford the cover charge), scratching my giant pretzel itch, eating pizza across from the World Trade Centre site (a.k.a. a big hole), inventing "wall and sofa" dancing, standing outside the Ghostbusters hotel, running away from the Ghostbusters library, watching the sun go down while walking over Brooklyn Bridge, getting some awful comedian to believe I'm Charlie Watts' son........basically, I didn't do anything of note and took advantage of the daily 3pm - 8pm happy hours by getting drunk every day.

When I was told to get to Times Square early for New Year, I didn't realise that arriving at about 4.17pm (not long after afternoon nap time) would result in being approximately 8 hours late. So, with a rucksack full of wine, vanilla vodka and coke and cheap champagne (it was a screw top) I returned to the heady days of my youth and got rightly shitfaced in the park, Central Park (said in poor Connery accent). Parkscapades lasted for around 90 minutes, after which only the bargain champers was left standing. Next stop was to dine adjacent to a group of rotund New York Cops chowing down on mountains of pizza (another box ticked on the itenary) before heading off to a club to "freestyle" dance the night away.

Just to wrap up, here's a few Big Apple Do's and Don't:

DON'T: Think it will be fun to spend two weeks there with an ex-girlfriend that you have not seen more than twice in 5 years. You will realise that you are dead inside and are not "easy-going", hence you will need to start drinking every day at approximately 2pm.

Think that's about it.


Back to normal life then, here's a quick summary of the major events in the last 3 months:

I went to see Colombia beat Argentina (and Venezuala a few days before, but that was shit - the highlights being a foul throw and nearly regurgitating a hot-dog).

I've jumped ship and found myself a smaller but shinier school that pays more money and has more holidays, which consequently means I'm here in Bogotá for another 2 years (well, unless I decide to break contract again). As a result I'm off to Houston, Tx. for some well needed teacher training in March because I'm going to be teaching some "proper" maths next year. Which will be a change from having to listen to "I don't care how many fucking apples Johnny has" every day.

I've started taking salsa lessons - after giving up prostitutes for lent, I had to think of another way to pay 5 pounds a week to humiliate and degrade myself.

I've bought a guitar in the vain hope that I will discover have talents outside of solving simultaneous equations, having one side of my body being hairier than the other (I can hear the circus calling again) and being able to make a variety of beef mince, tomato, garlic and onion dishes.

Well, until next time......

Trouble in paradise.....(this is not a euphamism for an STD)

The moral of toady's story is "Be careful what you wish for". Examples of this have been witnessed all through the ages: Pinocchio wishing to be a real boy...........little did he know that this was also Jepetto's dream (me nan's not reading this is she?), the girl from Labrynth who had her brother stolen away from her........but c'mon, if anyone's going to abduct your sibling it'd ease the pain if you knew it was an 80's David Bowie rather than one of those bespectacled predators with bad haircuts, and obviously any one of the tens of storylines from American Teen dramas.


In a nutshell, during a training weekend that took place when "X" first arrived in August, the preachers were asked for their opinions on how (a very successful) church could be improved. One of the responses given to this seemingly innocuous question was that, ideally, they'd all like more time to plan sermons.......


Fast-forward 3 months to an emergency meeting called on the first Monday back after October half-term. In which, the preachers are told by the governing body, that not only have they supplied new text books for them they have also listened carefully to their requests and have generously given them two weeks extra for training and planning.


How thougtful, finally someone is listening to wh.......oh wait there......... where have these two weeks magically appeared from?? "SURPRISE!!!!! You now have two weeks less holiday!"


In true Didier Drogba style, there have been regretful comments attributed to "X" that were made in the immediate aftermath of this farce, sorry, situation. However, "X" remains 100% committed to his/her team and feels the appropriate time for discussion of his/her future is at the end of the season.



Outside of the parish.....


I returned to Villa de Leyva for a bank holiday weekend (they literally have 9 bank holiday weekends here) where I sampled some Colombian horse-riding (which means without any safety equipment), I nearly died climbing around some beautiful waterfalls (word of warning: converse are not climbing shoes), saw some leaf-cutter ants in action (possibly the highlight of my life so far) and I realised that Colombian people are some of the most friendly and warm people I've met, it's such a shame I'm dead inside.....


By far the most important news, and the one piece which will confirm that my motive for being a teacher is solely to have one more crack at attempting to be popular after making such a hash of it first time round, was given to me by my students who call me "Mr. Super" (this due to my penchant for using the word repeatedly in lessons, and also because I refuse to change my clothes in anything but a Metropolis Phone Booth). Apparently, one of the students has set up a Facebook group titled "People who love the HOMIE Christopher Sewards" which I've been obliged to check out and find out it's currently 12 members strong. I probably shouldn't encourage them by having a life-size cut out of myself (with hands on hips) at the other end of the board.

The one night I decide to stay in with my book, my oft-wailing neighbour decides to stay in with his hammer....if there is a God surely an incident involving a misplaced 3 inch nail and his guitar playing hand is only seconds away........

Well after the accolades received for my maiden blog I thought it only right that you people should be treated to another slice of delicious regalement cake (if you're interested, the 3 layers of the "torta" are enlightenment, truth, and that really stodgy stuff that seems to be found in all colombian dishes).

You may notice a little tension in my e-voice, as I arrived at the bus station 5 hours too early for my 16-hour bus ride home to Bogota. I actually don´t feel in the mood for writing this (quick disclaimer regarding the poor quality of the troublesome "second blog") but the only other option is to return to my crossword Young friends (9) ....anyone?

I´m gonna run out of lame ideas soon, but here goes....

For each of the following, choose the correct statement: (anyone scoring over 85% will receive a free "I survived Bogota" T-shirt)

1. In my first blog I failed to mention that:

a) I forgot to have my Yellow Fever jab and subsequently spent a week in a Hospital Bed
b) while dancing in a club, only 150m away, a bomb went off
c) I appeared in a local television advert as a German Accountant



ANSWER:

b) someone hadn´t paid their dues and the local "security" sent them a reminder.



2. Last week I bought:

a) a plane ticket to New York for Christmas and New Year
b) a teaching stick (used for pointing at far away equations and shapes on the board)
c) a heart rate monitor, which, if adjusted correctly, can measure the temperature of your nipples



ANSWER:

a) sod all this "getting to know a new culture" - who doesn´t like a big tree?


Since being here I have lost:

a) a dog
b) my glasses, my phone and numerous overdue bills
c) my innocence



ANSWER:

b) at least you know any money sent over won´t just be wasted on alcohol



4. The first Colombian we encountered whilst holidaying in Cartagena was:

a) Johnny "the best charlie man on the coast", who has a relative living in Moorgate
b) Micky "Red eyes", who has a relative living in Maghull
c) Remi "The Fixer", who once lived in Bootle



ANSWER:

a) again, mum and dad don´t worry..........we shopped around before making any impulse purchases *



5. Whilst watching England defeat France in the rugby on Saturday, I was informed that part of growing up as a costeño (male who lives on the coast) involves:

a) being sent to the countryside to have relations with a female donkey (fine ass, sorry)
b) taking part in a fighting match with one of your peers, which only ends when one of you is laid unconscious
c) embarking upon a pilgrimmage to Panama



ANSWER:

a) allegedley, 85% of all males go through this rite of passage, although the stats have not been supplied by Opta.


6. As an alternative to getting drunk one weekend I:

a) made a short film called "mathmatica" about a crime solving maths teacher
b) painted my bedroom walls a soothing sky blue
c) went to farm with a friend and ate freshly killed rabbit



ANSWER:

c) friend at work has mates who own a farm/piece of land where you´re welcome to stay if you want to lend a hand, its a in a really beautiful setting



7. In two weeks I will be starting a short course in:

a) massage therapy
b) wine making
c) preparing sushi



ANSWER:

c) for about 40 quid a restraunt owner is gonna give us four/five 2-hour lessons, with all food included - can´t wait.


Right thats your lot. Can people please stop trying to access the rest of the story below....

* this is a joke.

National U-19's Tejo "Brigadeer" , Lucas Del Orio Pintura (pictured right), defeated Estonian-born Andres Ronin Ramirez in a tense affair in Bogota on Friday night. Still smarting from having his girlfriend labelled as a "three-legged ass" by Pintura in a pre-match press conference, Ramirez was slow to find his natural rhthym. In contrast, Pintura, feeling the crowd siding with his equine view of his opposition's other half, was quick to settle and soon found himself 3 flatchos to the good....... To read more of this article please go to www.returntothetejodome.co/tejastics

Bienvenidos....

Right, let's lay down the ground rules. I won't be documenting every little thing I do ("today I found a cashew nut in my jeans pocket whilst doing my washing....."). This is basically a replacement for sending emails to my family. Most likely this will be my first of about 3 "posts" (terminology like blog and post make me uncomfortable) this year. Rather than a diary, i will offer up a sliver of my life which will illuminate the otherwise dull existence of it's receivers. De nada.



Story so far......

I thought I'd write

this bit in Stars Wars

style. The whole process of

reading this drivel will be helped

by you humming the tune. OK, turned up to

my first day at school without a working visa (apparently

it is an essential document when working abroad). Basically,

when they said "bring your documents to the Colombian consulate"

I naturally presumed they meant the consulate in Colombia - we all make

mistakes. Well, apparently not, as i was only one out of 12 who subsequently

had to fly to Quito (Ecuador) for a week to resolve the problem whilst the remaining

"competent" teachers drank cocktails and bought superfluous household items with their new

bank accounts. Quito verdict: full of Americans, nice parks, efficient visa office, beware of second-hand books

with the last chapter not printed properly (like chatting to a woman for two hours when suddenly she throws in the line: "my boyfriend likes football too" - just walk away ). My energy levels are dropping..........................

Due to logistical problems above I'm gonna cease Star Wars style and move into a section into that I like to call "What's HOT! and (you've guessed it) What's NOT!"

HOT: having my own apartment and maid. Although I'm sure my "special" drawer wasn't organised into alphabetical order before....

NOT: Living next door to a guy with an acoustic guitar, who has a penchant for Latin-folk

HOT: Tiendas. (shit bars). Basically low maintenance buildings with plastic chairs selling bottles of beer for 30p. The one way we frequent sells the best empanadas. Forget frazzles, forget pork scratchings, even forget mini-cheddars (if only for a fleeting moment) empanadas are the ultimate bar snack. Like a mix between a pastie and a microwavable stir fry, although they do appear in many different guises and flavours.

NOT: The Chinese avocado selling woman who rolls past my window at 8.00am every morning and again at 1.17pm. She's basically a mobile and less endearing version of the fellas who sell the echo in town, garbling something about "2 for a peso". is garbling a verb? According to Colombian folk lore, if killed she would only multiply.

HOT: walking everywhere (well apart from the school bus and cheap taxis to bars)

NOT: The foot deep potholes in the road. It's literally like that scene from Ghostbusters when the shit hits the fan just before the marshmallow man is smoned (i think americans call it mallow) when the streets are being torn up.

HOT: the kids at school are class, as you would expect when working in a private school. Its the little things that make me smile. For example, instead of some under-nourished pallid retard screaming "sheep -ed, sheep-ed, sheep-ed" in my face I have kids saying "good morning, Chris".

HOT: playing football on a Friday with mountains in the background. First game was literally half-way up a mountain (although technically Bogota is cut into a mountain, so just further up the mountain), hadn't ran for 2 months, tried to make a good impression by bombing down the wing (without the ball, obviously) only to nearly have a cardiac arrest and basically leave the door open for the first of many goals i will be shipping this season.

HOT: my joke:

What's the healthiest meat?

A: Cured ham

HOT: Colombian clubs. Cha Cha's is the new DQ.

NOT: Music in the clubs, although danced to Rhythm is a Dancer last week

NOT: You bunch of retards spelling Colombia as Columbia.

(N)HOT: Getting drunk on a dancing bus

HOT: Tejo, the Colombian version of darts. Swap dart for round 3kg metal weight and swap dart board for tilted wooden crate covered in clay with tiny explosives resting on the surface. KABOOM!! It's much fun, well not for the Colombians when limp wristed English women (and welsh men) are looping pieces of iron 2 inches from your face.

sorry, bit of a long one due to it being the first. Other things of note, went to a wedding in a beautiful town a few hours away, went to a jazz festival (one band playing in a park), have found aguardiente (local Colombian tipple, gives you the worst headache), booked me flight to cartagena for a fortnights time, err....taking Spanish lessons with a lady called Norma and having a couple in school as well. Basically, its the same old routine at the moment, working like a puta, then crawling in at 5 in the morning saturday and sunday, something I'm unsuccessfully trying to break out of.